Recover From Twelve-Step Groups
We have a new thirteen-step program to help you recover from the 'dark'
influences of too many twelve-step recovery group meetings:
1. Admit that you are powerless over twelve-step meetings -- that your
life has become unmanageable. Scream and pass out.
2. Come to believe that only Santa Claus can restore you to sanity.
3. Make a decision to give all of your problems to Santa Claus, as we
understand Him.
4. Turn your will and your mind over to the care of Santa Claus. They were
worthless anyway. Also stick him with those pesky problems.
5. Make a searching and fearless inventory of your garage. You won't believe
the junk you will find in there.
6. Confess to everyone that you can't sing, you can't dance, your butt is too
fat, and you have bad breath.
7. Make yourself entirely ready to have Santa Claus deliver some goodies.
8. Write a letter to Santa Claus, humbly begging him to fix all of your
shortcomings.
9. Make a list of all of the people you have pissed off.
10. Go piss them off again.
11. Continue to inventory your garage, and when you find that you are hoarding
some really useless junk, promptly admit it.
12. Seek, through your cell phone, to maintain constant contact with Santa
Claus, as we understand Him. If you can't get Him, call a psychic hotline.
13. Make twenty copies of this letter, put your name at the bottom, and send
them to all of your friends.
Our New Religion
Our new religion is called "Ungroupism". It differs from our major competitor,
the other cult religion, Anonymous Alcoholism, in a number of important ways.
-- First off, we never have any meetings. Attending meetings would be very
unUngroupistic.
-- Also, Ungroupism as such ought never be organized, so it isn't. There is
no national headquarters, nor any state or local offices, either. If you want
to contact the President of Ungroupism, or the Board of Directors, or the
Trustees, you can't, because there aren't any.
-- In addition, we are so anonymous that we don't give out any of our names,
first or last, or even our initials. And since we never have any meetings,
there is no way you can figure out who we are.
-- The only requirement for membership in Ungroupism is a desire to stop
going to lunatic meetings.
-- Each ungroup has but one primary purpose -- to carry the message to the
meeting maker who still suffers.
-- Our major competitor likes to brag that their religion was founded by "a
Wall Street hustler who helped an Akron rectal surgeon through his last binge."
Oh yeh? Well our religion was founded by a psychopathic serial killer who ate
his last victim, so our religion is much better than your religion, thank you.
-- You can join our fellowship, and become a member, any time you wish, just
by saying that you are a member, but we don't. We are firm believers in the
wise alcoholic teachings of our patron saint, W. C. Field, who said, "The
reason I don't belong to any clubs is, I would never join a club that would
have me as a member."If you don't understand this,
it is because
you are not working
a strong enough
program.
Go read the Thirteen Steps again.
you are not working
a strong enough
program.
Go read the Thirteen Steps again.
